For several years I have had a deep interest in Eastern thought and meditation. This year, however, I took the Bodhisattva vows and became a Buddhist, having a jukai(receiving precepts) ceremony. Several people have asked me, “why now?” Meditation for me is far from relaxing and beautiful. Of course there are moments where the self drops away, but more times than not, my experience on the cushion is a parade of images from past incidents, mindless chatter of conversations never had, anxiety of the time spent with “what ifs …” and a future that I have not yet lived. Interestingly, all this “stuff” has little to do with the moment on the cushion, but nonetheless it is the material of my life. Each time these things arise, I try my best to redirect and focus on the posture of my body, eyes open, facing a blank wall. The paradox of all this is that the teaching in Soto Zen is that we do this for no gain. I’m not trying to reach enlightenment. I know that for the most part meditation is not peaceful, with my visual screen presenting garbage akin to a low-budget, R-rated, self-indulgent horror flick with a non-linear plot! I don’t expect that I’m going to become the next Mother Teresa. No one ever promised that I’ll become powerful, influential, sexy, or generally more likeable. So, what drives us to the wall where we just sit and hold the posture? As I’ve come to know more meditators and asked them what drove them to the wall, it seems to be a deep unmet longing that creates the urgency. I’ve heard stories of depression, poor health, a life with no meaning, etc. The story I've found most striking is of a woman who discovered her husband was having an affair. She finds herself pointing a loaded gun at him, and suddenly realizes that something is very wrong with her life. Soon after, she has learned to examine her life by facing a blank wall in meditation posture.
For me, I was driven to the wall by the suicide of a dear friend and student. Everyone who comes in contact with suicide spends endless hours wondering "why?" and "what could I have done differently to support that person?" to prevent their violent death. In spring 2002, Leslie, one of my students who was a dear friend of our family, student assistant at my job, producer of my drumming CD, and babysitter of our children, hanged herself. She and I had had an argument just hours before her death. Three days later her body was found hanging in the basement of her house. I felt completely obliterated (major soul loss) with her suicide and have spent a great deal of time wondering why Leslie felt death was an answer to her problems that seemed so circumstantial to her youth. Of course, I've spent more hours wishing we hadn't argued, wishing that my final words had been encouraging, wishing I could get the image of her walking away from me out of my head. I wonder if she felt any relief in her death?
For me, I was driven to the wall by the suicide of a dear friend and student. Everyone who comes in contact with suicide spends endless hours wondering "why?" and "what could I have done differently to support that person?" to prevent their violent death. In spring 2002, Leslie, one of my students who was a dear friend of our family, student assistant at my job, producer of my drumming CD, and babysitter of our children, hanged herself. She and I had had an argument just hours before her death. Three days later her body was found hanging in the basement of her house. I felt completely obliterated (major soul loss) with her suicide and have spent a great deal of time wondering why Leslie felt death was an answer to her problems that seemed so circumstantial to her youth. Of course, I've spent more hours wishing we hadn't argued, wishing that my final words had been encouraging, wishing I could get the image of her walking away from me out of my head. I wonder if she felt any relief in her death?
Suicide is not logical though, and we push and push and push to come up with a reason: they lost their love to illness, they didn’t want to go through yet another surgery, they lost their job and went bankrupt, they’ve struggled with depression and mental illness for years, they totaled their car, their partner wasn’t faithful, they don’t like Fridays, they had experienced tremendous sexism and felt invalidated in their profession, the light bulb went out on their desk lamp. Etc. I have spent endless hours looking for a cause and effect. An infinite number of misfortunes come our way every day, but why do some people take their life and others don’t? Perhaps it’s about paying attention to all the ways our world supports us rather than the ways in which we don’t feel supported. I just don’t know.
With these questions, I never get answers, only silence. It is that silence that has driven me to the wall of sitting. I think sometimes that your life has to feel worse than staring at a blank wall or we wouldn’t turn to sitting. Through my awareness on the cushion I began asking myself what I needed to love myself again and feel worthy of functioning in our world. At this point, I was beyond the questions of “why” regarding Leslie and on to the question of “what” regarding me.
Taking Bodhisattva vows involved a lengthy study of the Buddhist ethical precepts. The vows themselves are discussed in an article by Shohaku Okumura, the teacher with whom I took the vows. Below is an outline of the precepts.
Taking Bodhisattva vows involved a lengthy study of the Buddhist ethical precepts. The vows themselves are discussed in an article by Shohaku Okumura, the teacher with whom I took the vows. Below is an outline of the precepts.
The Three Refuges
We then take refuge in the Three Treasures: Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. The Buddha is the one who awakened to reality. The Dharma is reality itself, the way things truly are. The Sangha are the people who aspire to study and living according to the teaching of the reality of all beings.
The Threefold Pure Precepts
Next, we receive the threefold pure precepts: (1) the precept of embracing moral codes, (2) the precept of embracing good deeds, (3) the precept of embracing all living beings. These three points are the direction we walk on the Bodhisattva path.
We then take refuge in the Three Treasures: Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. The Buddha is the one who awakened to reality. The Dharma is reality itself, the way things truly are. The Sangha are the people who aspire to study and living according to the teaching of the reality of all beings.
The Threefold Pure Precepts
Next, we receive the threefold pure precepts: (1) the precept of embracing moral codes, (2) the precept of embracing good deeds, (3) the precept of embracing all living beings. These three points are the direction we walk on the Bodhisattva path.
The Ten Major Precepts
The ten major precepts are: (1) do not kill, (2) do not steal, (3) do not engage in improper sexual conduct, (4) do not lie, (5) do not deal in intoxicants, (6) do not criticize others, (7) do not praise self and slander others, (8)do not be stingy with the dharma or property, (9) do not give way to anger, (10) do not disparage the Three Treasures.
In preparation for the Bodhisattva vows, the participants each sewed a rakusu. Our sewing instructor was Lynne Brakeman, who was trained by Zenkei Blanche Hartman, former abbess of the San Francisco Zen Center. The rakusu is made of sixteen pieces of cloth in the formation of rice fields. It is the same formation used in the Buddha’s robe. Traditionally, the robe was made of scraps of discarded fabric, such as old clothes, menses rags, and cloth used to wrap the body for cremation. The rakusus that we made are of dark blue cotton. Each stitch is a meditation, reciting "Namu Kie Butsu" ("I take refuge in Buddha) with each pull of the thread, and the process is long and challenging with hundreds of tiny stitches needed to complete the lay robe. The back of the rakusu is white, and the teacher inscribes your new dharma name, the lineage, and the name of their temple. In addition, the teacher prepares a lineage paper tracing the bloodline from the student back to Buddha.
One part of the ceremony that I found especially beautiful was an invitation for all the Buddhas in all directions to join the ritual. I invited all my beloveds who are family, friends, shamanism circles, swimming friends, trees in my backyard, four-leggeds, etc. to join me in the taking of these vows. It was a fabulous moment of connection.
The ten major precepts are: (1) do not kill, (2) do not steal, (3) do not engage in improper sexual conduct, (4) do not lie, (5) do not deal in intoxicants, (6) do not criticize others, (7) do not praise self and slander others, (8)do not be stingy with the dharma or property, (9) do not give way to anger, (10) do not disparage the Three Treasures.
In preparation for the Bodhisattva vows, the participants each sewed a rakusu. Our sewing instructor was Lynne Brakeman, who was trained by Zenkei Blanche Hartman, former abbess of the San Francisco Zen Center. The rakusu is made of sixteen pieces of cloth in the formation of rice fields. It is the same formation used in the Buddha’s robe. Traditionally, the robe was made of scraps of discarded fabric, such as old clothes, menses rags, and cloth used to wrap the body for cremation. The rakusus that we made are of dark blue cotton. Each stitch is a meditation, reciting "Namu Kie Butsu" ("I take refuge in Buddha) with each pull of the thread, and the process is long and challenging with hundreds of tiny stitches needed to complete the lay robe. The back of the rakusu is white, and the teacher inscribes your new dharma name, the lineage, and the name of their temple. In addition, the teacher prepares a lineage paper tracing the bloodline from the student back to Buddha.
One part of the ceremony that I found especially beautiful was an invitation for all the Buddhas in all directions to join the ritual. I invited all my beloveds who are family, friends, shamanism circles, swimming friends, trees in my backyard, four-leggeds, etc. to join me in the taking of these vows. It was a fabulous moment of connection.
So, this beautiful practice of just sitting that allows me to go neither forward or back has sustained me and permitted me to see the magnificent interdependence of all. It’s not a quest of intellect but rather a journey of personal experience. The reason I tell you this story is that it intersects deeply with my shamanic practice. Where in shamanism are the ethics for behavior? Some say that there are no ethics in shamanism, that it is simply whatever each individual practitioner brings to their life. I look forward to cultivating the intersection of these two practices and exploring more deeply the places where the Bodhisattva vows intersect with the ethical decisions I make in my daily life as a shamanic practitioner. I hope to have more to say about this in the future, and I invite you, readers, to submit your thoughts about ethics and our practice of shamanism.
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Photos by Aidan Plank.
